Sup Losers (I mean that in the most flattering way) it's your hero, Mr. Florida Football for my weekly predictions, fantasy football stats and tips.. on well, how to be more like me and less like you (Tip 1: Don't use Gel, EVER. I find that horse semen, while harder to come by, holds up hair for twice as long and adds a special shine impossible to find in stores)
Well my fantasy team took a hit this week when the 49ers announced that Alex Smith is out for the entire season, which now means I have two quarterbacks out for the year after week 1. I'm not too worried about it though, I think this is a ploy by Coach Nolan to relax NFL defenders by saying the professional equivalent of me is out, and then boom! in comes Alex Smith and throws for 658 yards and 8 touchdowns... with only 9 passing attempts, (it would have been 9 touchdowns if Louis Murphy could stop running his mouth and try to catch the ball for once.
Last week I lost 100.23 - 37.89, but it's not as bad as it looks. My decimal is higher than my opponents was so therefore I am counting it as a tie.
Practice this week has been relaxed, with no game this weekend for us we're just gonna relax and do nothing all weekend, well its just like last weekend except last weekend we had to just walkthrough Miami (Fl.)
Now onto Pick'em:
Ohio State (+11) @ USC: If I played at Ohio State, they'd win by 50. If I played at USC, they'd win by 50, since I play at Florida, Florida by 50.
Pick: Ohio State
Kansas (+3.5) @ South Florida: There's a team in Florida not named FSU, Miami or (most importantly) UF? They must be FAST.
Pick: South Florida
Georgia (-7) @ South Carolina: South Carolina is the biggest joke in the SEC, how do you lost to Vandy two years in a row, without euthanizing your entire team?
Pick: Georgia
Penn State (-27.5) @ Syracuse: I'm pretty certain Syracuse hasn't scored a Touchdown since the invention of High Definition television... coincidence? I think not.
Pick: Penn State
Wisconsin (-1.5) @ Fresno State: Wow... talk about a crappy 2nd best game of the week. But I guess that's always the case when we don't have a game.
Pick: Fresno State
Season Record: 8-2
Friday, September 12, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Sunday Night Quarterback 2
"2-0 and we're number fo'"
That's what several of my teammates we're "rapping" after last night's victory over Miami (the one in Florida... not the horrendous one in Ohio that couldn't run a nose let alone with an SEC team.) But that's off topic. Back on topic, I played great. Sure I only had 1 Touchdown pass while the game's outcome was in doubt, but if we didn't pad our stats in the 4th quarter, how would I have won the Heisman last year? Exactly...
So I came back from a terrible 59-3 victory we had last week over Hawai'i (even though I put up extraordinary numbers... P.S. if you didn't watch that game, don't look up my stats just believe me when I say I was 30-31 495 yards and 7 TD's... nobody else scored on our team.. I forgot to mention that I caught two of those passes and returned both for TD's... again don't look up the highlights or scores, just trust Mr. Florida Football for once.
So next week we have a Bye, to strenously worry about Jonathon Crompton giving us this game. I mean yeah, a win is a win, BUT if Crompton throws interceptions returned for Touchdowns... where do I get my stats?
My fantasy team didn't do to well this week... For starters, why isn't Alex Smith starting? If he is so much like me he should be the number 1 player in the draft, but I have great news, yesterday I was able to trade Chad Ocho Cinco, Ronnie Brown and Joe Flacco for Tom Brady! I don't know what the hell Percival was thinking but He. Got. Hosed.
This week's college pick'em wasn't so great for me.. Auburn and Oregon State suck.
Season Record: 8-2
That's what several of my teammates we're "rapping" after last night's victory over Miami (the one in Florida... not the horrendous one in Ohio that couldn't run a nose let alone with an SEC team.) But that's off topic. Back on topic, I played great. Sure I only had 1 Touchdown pass while the game's outcome was in doubt, but if we didn't pad our stats in the 4th quarter, how would I have won the Heisman last year? Exactly...
So I came back from a terrible 59-3 victory we had last week over Hawai'i (even though I put up extraordinary numbers... P.S. if you didn't watch that game, don't look up my stats just believe me when I say I was 30-31 495 yards and 7 TD's... nobody else scored on our team.. I forgot to mention that I caught two of those passes and returned both for TD's... again don't look up the highlights or scores, just trust Mr. Florida Football for once.
So next week we have a Bye, to strenously worry about Jonathon Crompton giving us this game. I mean yeah, a win is a win, BUT if Crompton throws interceptions returned for Touchdowns... where do I get my stats?
My fantasy team didn't do to well this week... For starters, why isn't Alex Smith starting? If he is so much like me he should be the number 1 player in the draft, but I have great news, yesterday I was able to trade Chad Ocho Cinco, Ronnie Brown and Joe Flacco for Tom Brady! I don't know what the hell Percival was thinking but He. Got. Hosed.
This week's college pick'em wasn't so great for me.. Auburn and Oregon State suck.
Season Record: 8-2
Friday, September 5, 2008
Fanta-SEC Football
Mr. Florida Football here and since none of you asked any questions this week like "What is the proper way to dissect a cover two defense while keeping the safety in place and finding your 1st option for a large gain?" I'm not even gonna answer that for you now because you obviously could care less. Jerks.
So one thing I forgot to mention last week was that College Gameday is going to be featuring me in a piece I call "Missionary Speeches." This week is extra special as it will show everyone how you can become me, though that's not really likely cause let's face it, I'm better than you, it's not a big deal you're still great too (considering you are reading my blog to obviously attempt to better yourself.)
Last week's Gameday feature was great, except it failed to include some of my favorite parts. Later on during the tour, I started doing comedy as well as motivational speaking. The comedy at the prisons went great, sure nobody laughed at my jokes, but I bet that's because laughter only adds time to their life's sentence. I doubt it can be anything else because my jokes are Huh-larious. Like this one I opened up with at the Daytona County Correctional Facility, "What do you call a melon that was found guilty of a crime? A Convicted MELON!" (LOL'z) That one killed at the family Christmas party.
So as I promised I picked my fantasy football team yesterday, and here is my team for this year.
QB: Alex Smith: With my First pick in the draft (#1 overall) I took Alex Smith, he is the player in the NFL that was most like me and was even coached by the same coach as me, so I took him (guaranteed 40 TD's)
RB: Ronnie Brown: When I tried to search for Emmitt Smith, Yahoo! told me he was retired, so I went with the other SEC speed Ronnie Brown, this pick was a little scary for me because Ronnie didn't attend UF, so I doubt he can be THAT good, but Yahoo! had him ranked this high.
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew: With my back-to-back picks I looked to sure up my running game, Maurice didn't go to an SEC school, but UCLA did beat Tennessee the other night, so I imagine they could be an SEC school someday... they wish.
WR: Chad Ocho Cinco: This guy was the 2nd highest receiver on my board (right behind Percival Harvin, but for some reason he too was unavailable.) As a matter of fact, I've been trying to get Percival to change his last name to Tebowo.
WR: Antwan Randle El: Another Quarterback in college turned successful WR, and KR, PR, if I can't play the big position in the NFL, I will be the best white kick returner not named James Thrash.
WR: Lavarneuos Coles: What a weird name. I'm so thankful my parents weren't retarded.
TE: Todd Heap: 4th Round baby! Not smart drafting strategy IMO, the SMARTEST drafting strategy.
K: Mason Crosby: UCLA-Speed baby!
DEF: Jacksonville: They play down south so they know how to run, 5th round pick too!
Bench Players: Steve Smith (WR): Not the good one. Selvin Young (RB): Vince Young's brother? cousin? No? Crap. Joe Flacco (QB): He kind of reminds me of Rex Grossman: EXTREMELY overrated, and kinda funny how pathetic his season will be. Miami (DEF): They too, play in Florida, except they only won 1 game last year and lost their best two defensive players.. Wait Tampa Bay is in Florida too? Double Crap. Chris Leak (QB): I just thought he shouldn't be the only person to draft himself this year, especially after his mom traded him for a banana and a pack of batteries, which I still say she got hosed.
Finally, it's time for picks, since last week (5-0) I was perfect (5-0) and even against the spread (5-0), I'm going to pick the spread here as well. Did I mention I was 5-0 last week?
Eastern Illinois @ Illinois (OFF): Finally Illinois has learned the "Florida way" of scheduling. Pick a school with a direction and then the name of your state and kick their ass when they come to play you.
Pick: Illinois
Southern Mississippi @ Auburn (-17.5): As always SEC > Directional schools > Other BCS conferences.
Pick: Auburn
Cincinatti @ Oklahoma (-21.5): QB Sam Bradford has added 15 pounds this year, funny I did the same thing last year, when I took home the Heisman, suck it Bradford.
Pick: Oklahoma
Oregon State @ Penn State (-16.5): Penn St. has lost several players to suspension this week, it's too bad Joe Pa. is still their coach, if Coach Meyer was there those kids would be playing!
Pick: Oregon State
Miami (Fl.) @ Florida (-21.5): Does this spread reflect the knowlesge that we have ALL our starters back this week? I doubt it, because if it was accurate We'd be down 40.
Pick: Florida (to double cover, actually don't bet that but we will)
Season Record: 5-0
So one thing I forgot to mention last week was that College Gameday is going to be featuring me in a piece I call "Missionary Speeches." This week is extra special as it will show everyone how you can become me, though that's not really likely cause let's face it, I'm better than you, it's not a big deal you're still great too (considering you are reading my blog to obviously attempt to better yourself.)
Last week's Gameday feature was great, except it failed to include some of my favorite parts. Later on during the tour, I started doing comedy as well as motivational speaking. The comedy at the prisons went great, sure nobody laughed at my jokes, but I bet that's because laughter only adds time to their life's sentence. I doubt it can be anything else because my jokes are Huh-larious. Like this one I opened up with at the Daytona County Correctional Facility, "What do you call a melon that was found guilty of a crime? A Convicted MELON!" (LOL'z) That one killed at the family Christmas party.
So as I promised I picked my fantasy football team yesterday, and here is my team for this year.
QB: Alex Smith: With my First pick in the draft (#1 overall) I took Alex Smith, he is the player in the NFL that was most like me and was even coached by the same coach as me, so I took him (guaranteed 40 TD's)
RB: Ronnie Brown: When I tried to search for Emmitt Smith, Yahoo! told me he was retired, so I went with the other SEC speed Ronnie Brown, this pick was a little scary for me because Ronnie didn't attend UF, so I doubt he can be THAT good, but Yahoo! had him ranked this high.
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew: With my back-to-back picks I looked to sure up my running game, Maurice didn't go to an SEC school, but UCLA did beat Tennessee the other night, so I imagine they could be an SEC school someday... they wish.
WR: Chad Ocho Cinco: This guy was the 2nd highest receiver on my board (right behind Percival Harvin, but for some reason he too was unavailable.) As a matter of fact, I've been trying to get Percival to change his last name to Tebowo.
WR: Antwan Randle El: Another Quarterback in college turned successful WR, and KR, PR, if I can't play the big position in the NFL, I will be the best white kick returner not named James Thrash.
WR: Lavarneuos Coles: What a weird name. I'm so thankful my parents weren't retarded.
TE: Todd Heap: 4th Round baby! Not smart drafting strategy IMO, the SMARTEST drafting strategy.
K: Mason Crosby: UCLA-Speed baby!
DEF: Jacksonville: They play down south so they know how to run, 5th round pick too!
Bench Players: Steve Smith (WR): Not the good one. Selvin Young (RB): Vince Young's brother? cousin? No? Crap. Joe Flacco (QB): He kind of reminds me of Rex Grossman: EXTREMELY overrated, and kinda funny how pathetic his season will be. Miami (DEF): They too, play in Florida, except they only won 1 game last year and lost their best two defensive players.. Wait Tampa Bay is in Florida too? Double Crap. Chris Leak (QB): I just thought he shouldn't be the only person to draft himself this year, especially after his mom traded him for a banana and a pack of batteries, which I still say she got hosed.
Finally, it's time for picks, since last week (5-0) I was perfect (5-0) and even against the spread (5-0), I'm going to pick the spread here as well. Did I mention I was 5-0 last week?
Eastern Illinois @ Illinois (OFF): Finally Illinois has learned the "Florida way" of scheduling. Pick a school with a direction and then the name of your state and kick their ass when they come to play you.
Pick: Illinois
Southern Mississippi @ Auburn (-17.5): As always SEC > Directional schools > Other BCS conferences.
Pick: Auburn
Cincinatti @ Oklahoma (-21.5): QB Sam Bradford has added 15 pounds this year, funny I did the same thing last year, when I took home the Heisman, suck it Bradford.
Pick: Oklahoma
Oregon State @ Penn State (-16.5): Penn St. has lost several players to suspension this week, it's too bad Joe Pa. is still their coach, if Coach Meyer was there those kids would be playing!
Pick: Oregon State
Miami (Fl.) @ Florida (-21.5): Does this spread reflect the knowlesge that we have ALL our starters back this week? I doubt it, because if it was accurate We'd be down 40.
Pick: Florida (to double cover, actually don't bet that but we will)
Season Record: 5-0
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
S.E.C.! S.E.C.! S.E.C.! S.E.C.! S.E.C! S.E.C.! S.E.C.!
Hey guys, Mr Florida Football here with some analysis of the IMPORTANT games this past weekend: All S.E.C. games.
So the S.E.C. was NFL-esque this weekend going 10-2. With the only losses being Mississippi State (that's what having a Afr0-American as a head coach gets you.) and our retarded rival Tennessee losing to UCLA.
I watched that game last night and can I just say that Jonathan Crompton plays Quarterback like my transvestite neighbor? Except once in awhile he/she actually throws a good ball to his/her receiving core, which I will admit is twenty times better than Tennessee's.
So anyways back to more important matters, practice today was great. Until that jerkface Cameron Newton came in, Cameron Newton, more like Cameron JEW-ton. If this is who I have to leave the reigns to this program I've built over the past two years to when I go professional, I will demand that Coach shut down for 22 years til my first son is born. I know God teaches not to hate, but JEW-ton has it coming. Everytime he gets behind my center and places rubs his hand under MY center's taint. It bothers me when someone else touches Maurkice's taint, what can I say? I'm a jealous guy. But I know how to make Maurkice jealous..
By the way I'm 5-0 in pick'em last week, is there anything I can't do? I think it's safe to say that I'm the only person who's ever been Florida's Quarterback after the Doctor's recommended my parents have an abortion when i was in the womb. Well, in retrospect I bet Rex Grossman's doctor would have told his parents to get an abortion, but I'm not going to count that.
Leave some questions for Mr. Florida Football and I'll answer them in my next post. My fantasy draft is on Thursday so on Friday I'll have the team posted here.
So the S.E.C. was NFL-esque this weekend going 10-2. With the only losses being Mississippi State (that's what having a Afr0-American as a head coach gets you.) and our retarded rival Tennessee losing to UCLA.
I watched that game last night and can I just say that Jonathan Crompton plays Quarterback like my transvestite neighbor? Except once in awhile he/she actually throws a good ball to his/her receiving core, which I will admit is twenty times better than Tennessee's.
So anyways back to more important matters, practice today was great. Until that jerkface Cameron Newton came in, Cameron Newton, more like Cameron JEW-ton. If this is who I have to leave the reigns to this program I've built over the past two years to when I go professional, I will demand that Coach shut down for 22 years til my first son is born. I know God teaches not to hate, but JEW-ton has it coming. Everytime he gets behind my center and places rubs his hand under MY center's taint. It bothers me when someone else touches Maurkice's taint, what can I say? I'm a jealous guy. But I know how to make Maurkice jealous..
By the way I'm 5-0 in pick'em last week, is there anything I can't do? I think it's safe to say that I'm the only person who's ever been Florida's Quarterback after the Doctor's recommended my parents have an abortion when i was in the womb. Well, in retrospect I bet Rex Grossman's doctor would have told his parents to get an abortion, but I'm not going to count that.
Leave some questions for Mr. Florida Football and I'll answer them in my next post. My fantasy draft is on Thursday so on Friday I'll have the team posted here.
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